There is nothing much to write home about. Or is there? Well it seams my uncertainty of this new relation has been removed. Before a certain retreat I was going to it seemed quite unclear if we would get together, me and my new boyfriend. He is the reclusive introvert type. He still is, but now he has gone from “I don’t need a person in my life”, to “I am taking the train to you now” and spending the night in my place.

I guess for him, it is quite new experience to have, given that he has never had a relationship before. I feel this one is special. He is getting better at making out, and cuddling, although his sexual appetites are that of a typical 20 year old. This old Luciferian has trouble keeping up sometimes. He agrees, I look 25, tops. I have to show ID if I buy alcohol. Like as if an underage person would buy a 12 year old Whiskey single malt from Hokkaido, Japan. My boyfriend would settle for cheap Vodka and something terrible called “Battery” (energy drink).

Where I am going with this? Point is, I am getting stuff I want in my life. Recently a lot of stuff fell into place quite snugly. I am helping people. People write emails to my blog (See Contact section) and I help people in their daily life. It is what Luciferianism should be about: living a life where you attract things you want, things that challenge and inspire you and in my case things that keeps me young at heart (and soul). But also most important: To shine a light for others. No matter what your religious background, all religions with true initiations contain the path to the one Mystery. A Christian can turn his system into his advantage and even through Christian mythos attain true knowledge. It is not the ramblings of a judging god but the light that shines in even the darkest place, even to save darkness itself not by converting it but the one true transcending act: love. A Satanist, deep down inside, has chosen his path. Can he be a light to himself and others? He may. Wether Spiritual or LaVeyan, all religions, even when no longer considered religions, such as Zen, can be tools to the journey on the path of enlightenment.

My boyfriend confessed to me today he is an atheist. Sure, he believes in heaven or hell, and certainly has seen some amount of supernatural events (just look who he is dating) but it took me by surprise. In a way. So he is faithless and respects the beliefs or traditions of others but himself do not follow any dogma or system. It is kind of how I started. Then I got in to Zen. Then I learned western Occultism. Maybe it’s good to be challenged sometimes by someone who has one religion: A Smart Phone.

I grew up in Norway, in the shadow of the Cold War during the 1980’s. The Soviet Union, bordering to Norway, was both a friendly neighbour and an enemy at the same time.

My parents divorced in 1989. That same year, poetically, regimes fell and the wall came down. By 1991, the Soviet Union, the ideal of my Childhood, had fell. I was in tears. I was 14 and I had a poster of Lenin in my bedroom.

Because my mom lost custody I lived alone with my dad.

My dad is a postman. At the time he was single and was a social centerpiece at the local pubs. Knowledgeable about almost any topics especially in popular science and amazing things found in nature, he often had girlfriends.

Our neighbour, an immigrant from Serbia, was involved in the war in former Yugoslavia at the time, had a large backyard party Serbian style. I think they roasted a whole pig. At this party my dad met a Russian woman. She was an ex-KGB officer, who defected to Norway before the collapse of the Soviet Union, because her husband, a leading Party member in Krashnodar, Siberia, had done something hostile to the State and defected to Norway before her.

She moved into our house some time after 1994 I think. Immediately the bachelor laidback style was replaced with a Russian mother’s touch. Everything was cleaned, and our house every day smelled of Siberian cuisine. We had Borsj and Pelmenje almost every day. I learned how to drink Vodka every day and empty a bottle without pulling as much as an eyebrow. She had visitors from former Sovier Union, often shady characters who ran operations trying to get people into Norway illegally. Once we helped a Pakistani woman who had been forced to marry her uncle. We gave her a secret identity and help her escape into the underground .

At that time I had already built my own computer. I used it to go on the internet (illegally, the internet was not generally available at the time) and try to get information about nuclear pollution in the air in Leningrad (i will always call this city Leningrad) for some of her Russian friends who lived there, being lied to from their government, still, now that it was a “democracy”.

I never liked my stepmom. She taught me a few things you can only learn in jail or in the army, the kind of thing that you lose your innocense as a child, because now you know people cannot directly be trusted, without you knowing that all humans are directed by their lower instincts and thus motivated by egoistic needs.

She showed me how to court a female by showing how I should take a woman out for dinner, how to dress, how to act correctly. I hated that shit. She showed me that although she despised the KGB, and the Soviet Union, she still held on to her medal “Order of Lenin” that she was awarded at one time, for dear life. As if it was somehow a validation of her accomplishments for the very regime that threatened to kill her children.

How can personal satisfaction on being socially accepted, be more worth than your childrens lives?

I told her I was gay and not into women. That the tips and social etiquette she tried to teach me, from some conservative Russian culture, she could just shove it up her ass. Cause it’s not going to fly. I live my life as a Lone Wolf. People should take me out for dinner. I should not have to court a female like some 17th century Russian aristocrat.

We had many arguments. I never respected her and she knew it. I believe she worked the system and never truly had any ideology. Except to care for her family. That she did. I believed in values beyond just family or selfish needs. Because I loved the system she hated. At that time. Back then I would have signed up for the KGB and worked to defend the socialist system at the cost of my life.

Today I know better of course. I know better than the KGB, my mother, my dad and my real mother, and the Serbian neighbour.

I feel more sad now than ever now that I am walking in truth. The truth, as they say, will set you free. But the sight – it is not pretty.

One small but not minor aspect of Solar consciousness I realized today is the symbolism of truth. As the Sun lights up the World, so everything is exposed, hence the expression ‘comes out into daylight’. This concept, for an individual as myself, is quite new and strange.

Being a child of the night, my Lunar self would see things in the night where the calm had came over the Mundane World, so as to reveal more hidden and mystical things. Muggles would be in bed dreaming their sweet dreams, while shadows like myself would roam in the night, bathing in the astral Lunar silvery light, perhaps working towards truth through some form of deceit. Certainly manipulation and puppet-mastery is a kind of deceit, even if it were for the best of purposes.

So over one year ago I started working towards truth in the Solar sense, and invited this light into my life even more than the fire and light of the highest, because it now had come down far enough that some truth could be lit in my physical manifestation of this world that is my life.

So the boyfriend. He is the strangest little kid I have met – with such an old soul. While I am more manipulative and can stretch truth, he deals in absolute truth, that is, he is being totally honest without hiding his true emotions. He doesn’t know how to lie. He can manipulate with truth. Even though I am 18 years older than him I feel humbled by his 20 year old existance on this planet in the physical sense, he gives off a patience and wisdom of a 200 year old.

He has had no other boyfriend than me, so I know the fact that he wants to spend time with me is, in a way, special. (If not unique). He must be so unsure of me. He knows I usually had many lovers. But now for the first time I think in terms of being only with him.

He has the most beautiful eyes you can sink into for an eternity. He has red/brown hair that is wild and reminds you of a furred animal, like a red wolf. His ears have the most beautiful and strange silver piercing shaped to follow his upper ear so he does look like he got this from the elves themselves, forged by silver and moonlight and morning dew.

He has the capability to get completely past all my defences. And there he remains, rock-steady, honest to death, loyal but finally loyal only to his own Will.

I am in behind his defences too – first time for him. We are so vulnerable to eachother. Yet I feel safe with him.